Reader Mail: Why I Suck at Poker

Posted by One Angry Monkey | Filed under Reader Mail

Its official people – we have just passed the five reader mark. So big props to us, ship it holla balla! In honor of this remarkable news, we have a very special Reader Mail for you this week. Just kidding – it’s the same old crap. But what spectacular crap it is! It’s craptacular, if you will. Wow, that might have been the lamest joke ever. I apologize. Hit us up with any thoughts, comments, questions, or prayers for our survival at pokerfromtherail@fulltiltpoker.com – on to the crapitulation:

When I see the huge winnings that the top pros take home, consistently taking down big tournaments, I am jealous and amazed by their success. But then it occurred to me that these same pros that take down the big paydays also play in just about every big tournament out there - so they have a pretty large buy-in investment for the overall percentage of tourneys that they win. Are any of them willing to divulge their overall profit? How much do they really take home after paying for all the buy-ins for tournaments they don’t win?

I think it all depends on the player. When Phil Ivey wins an event for a cool $1.5 million, it probably doesn’t mean that much to him. Sure, it’ll cover the rest of his tourney buy-ins for the year and some insane golf prop bets ($500K on who can hit the longest Happy Gilmore style drive, anyone?). But I’m going to guess that Ivey makes most of his money through the cash games, and the tourney stuff just doesn’t mean that much to him. I’m not saying he’s not happy to win a million bucks all at one time and get the attention and accolades that come with winning a tourney, it’s just not the be all end all to him. And paying for however many $10K buy-in tourneys is not going to do much damage to his overall profit.

A midlevel tourney player is a different story. They grind it out on the circuit and probably need a good percentage of their winnings to keep on playing (and paying for travel/hotel expenses and so on). What their overall profit is – well, I have no idea. I assume there has to be some money in it for them or they couldn’t keep doing what they do.

To summarize (somebody please stop my windbaggery): big time pro = life is good, midlevel pro = life sucks. Now stop asking me questions that I have no idea how to answer and go back to your $5 donkaments.

Recent poker strategy pretty consistently states that to deal with today’s hyper-aggressive players, one must become more aggressive themselves. This is probably true for tournament play, with its ever increasing blind structures. However, poker strategists rarely discuss how to deal with hyper-aggressive players in cash games. Wouldn’t it make more sense to tighten up even more? And please don’t give me the non-sense about changing it up or knowing your opponent. Each situation is not different because I’m not that good. I want a strategy that I can rely on to the death of my bankroll.

I feel like that guy in that one movie where people keep asking him questions that he has no idea about and then his head explodes. You know what I’m talking about, right? It stars that guy, from that thing. Anyway…

In my humble opinion (humble being slang for not knowing a god-damn thing), I think the best strategy for dealing with hyper-aggressive players in cash games is a two-step process. First, you really have to know your opponent. Is he a hyper-aggressive maniac who will play every hand to the river regardless of what he holds? Or is he smart with his aggressive play and willing to give up when he knows that he’s facing certain defeat? Once you’ve figured that out, it all depends on what the situation is. You’ve got to change it up from hand to hand – if you have the nuts, let the aggressive bastard think he’s in control of the betting and then drown him on the river. If you’re trying to bluff (or even just semi-bluff) him, good luck. You better grab your balls and make sure your cajones are bigger than his.

And yes, this whole answer was just an excuse for me to say cajones. I feel so much better now.

Why do I suck at poker?

Excellent question sir (or madam, perhaps – unlikely, but you never know). I don’t know you at all, but I know this question like Gobboboy knows bacon sushi. Here’s why I suck at poker, maybe you can identify with some of my problems:

I can’t do the math. At all. And it’s not like I can’t do it fast enough in my head, it’s that I honestly can’t perform the rudimentary functions of this alien language called mathematics in the slightest. Which doesn’t necessarily mean I automatically suck at poker, because a lot of very good players don’t rely on math, they rely on instinct. But this leads me to point number two…
My instincts are worse than that girl who decided to leave her baby in the dumpster so she could attend her prom. Well, not that bad, but you get the point. I have an uncanny knack for either getting my money in bad or not getting paid off when I actually have the best hand. It’s really quite frustrating – and you wonder why I spend so much of my time crying in the corner.
Last, but not least, my bankroll management skills leave something to be desired. The more I lose, the more I want to play at bigger stakes. I just got raped playing at the $.25/$.50 NL table, so that must mean it’s time to go up to $1/$2, right? Chris Ferguson is probably praying for my soul at this very moment. I’m sorry Jesus − please forgive me?

These are just a few of the reasons that I suck at poker. Sound familiar to anyone else? I have the feeling I’m not alone here. Now back to my corner for a good crying jag…

Rate this Post: